So ... tired

Well.

It's been a while.
For numerous reasons.

You know.
I'm living my dream.
I really am.
Everything I've ever wanted. Right here and right now.

A summary , per example , thus , spoken ..
I'm living with who I consider to be the love of my life. That one, you know. The one. Who you will never forget, will never get over. Some people are lucky enough to meet him or her once in their lives. Others are not so lucky and never meet them. Or don't realise in time.
I was double as lucky, for not only did I just not expect to find "that one" , but I was lucky enough to find them, too.
You know what I mean ...
I'm not a sappy person.

But to find actual .. adversity.
In making this fuckwhole backwards city hall employees to throw us fucking bone !
To put things short, .. city hall employees when actually being a fuking immigrant themselves have no fucking business bieng a fucking rascist ..
to put it even shorter, .. if you're a money maker in town ... it's as simple as walking into city hall and demand to see the echelons .. it really is ..
Wanna fuck ? Let's fuck! I love to fuck !
I didn't see that bitch sitting at ofice number two any more, at any time I happened to walk by..... it takes another bitch to take a bitch down.

Other then that, my life goal is about to be accomplished.
And that , really is .. daunting.
I'm sitting here in front of my screen and at this moment I'm really feeling it, the fear.

Yup.
Fear.
I'm afraid.
Not because of my life goal being accomlished.
But .. what the fuck am I to put instead ?
As a life goal that is?
What can I reach for, what to aim for ... .
I could be asking or aiming for too much, too high.
But how in the frikkin hell is that even possible in the first place ?!
I mean, life is what you make of it ! Even if things go awry, you ALWAYS have the CHOICE to make the most out it, make the best you can out of it.
I'm sitting here with a very tired head.
Tired is not even coming close.
At this point, I'm mentally exhausted.
In the last weeks, so much has been piling up. I mean what the fuck man ... .
Murphey's law at best.
And yet,
at the same time, it could all have been sooo much worse.
If this is is bad , this is the best of the worst.
And if this is good , this is the worst of the best.

But I know, I do know.
That in reality, the real, real reality.
Things are going fucking great! Beyond expactations great !
But today, right now it's daunting, things can either go worse then they are, and then it'd be shit.
They can go better then they are .. and then it'd will be .. tiring. Exhausting.

Heart of the matter.
Running a kitchen is one thing. Reasonably, acceptably difficult. Just ... be on your toes. At all times.
Running a restaurant , well ... .
Be on your toes. Walk on eggshells. Smile. Be on your ... fucking guard. All the frigging time.

And yeah sure.
You can think that I'm exagerrating.
Well,
there' more to the matter.
My place , yes .. my place .. is at central square.
Clientell being .. moderatly wealthy, demanding, bitchy.
Now i'm sitting here it's .. even hard to explain.
I guess one had to spend a month, yeah a month , anyone can survive a week in my shoes.
You have .. a brewer, veggie deliver, coffee deliver, paperwares (napkins etc) , horeca mainware supplies (main largebuy supplies , read err .. ice cream, for instance ) , commercial salesmen,
uniform parasol and terras regulations, personal, social security , cops , city hall, criminal commercial salesmen (just .. don't ask) , hard liquor deliverer, promotions, formulas (oh yea, an unspoken request in the take over ; please , don't change the concept. And I won't )
And while you're doing all of that shit ..
you need to serve them all on their fancy.
Contemplate possible means of letting your business grow/improve while maintaining a certain standard and try to consequentially provide quality.

I am , bursting with ideas.
Full of them.
But there is always SOMETHING getting in the way.
On my free days I'm too tired and worn out to do a fuck all. For instance.
I also have little reason to doubt my financial security.
Spicy side detail about it all, if I didn't buy the place, someone else would have, and my boss , forgot to mention to me up front the place had been for sale all along.
I personally would never have putten the effort in the place, if i had known up front it was up for grabs.
THe price they asked for it , is probably the reason nobody took it before me.
But.. In my case the bank can see little reason not to sell it to me.
Not that I'm particularly wealthy.
But I'm a smooth talker, not that you might have guessed from my usual blog rantings .. I just save the best for when it matters.
Well ..
It's either that or I have a friggin guardian angel hanging over my head somewhere.
I'm blessed in so many ways I lost count.

Maybe I'm just .. in a very irrational way .. scared that one time my supposed guardian angel is going to want payback for all that was given to me.

Not too long ago I had food poisoning .. again..
and no ..
not because of something I ate at MY place.
(( fuck you ))
I lost weight.
I'm already a skinny and scrawny person, by my own standards ..
I feel sick, and even while the doctor said I might feel it for a longer time cause it's not the first time .. and it might be .. reinvoked by eating certain things ..
When I wake up sometimes I just feel so wrong, sick , not right.
I know turtle worries about it, so do I in a way, on the other hand , my docter might be not so ashamed of using cheap tricks to make me come back (and pay) . she's a rather clever person , too clever to let her greed get in the way of the long term idea .. making name and fame for herself .
A loose sense of moral is agreeable in my opinion.
Just think if you'd do the same.
AFter all ..
when I'm aware of it ..
and still come to her office ..
who's more deserving , the player or the one being played while being aware ?
Yeah ...

And now for something completely random , my dad called.
He does that once a year to sooth his feelings of guilt.
Then he's fine for the year to come.
This time he felt compelled to tell me he almost died .. this year.
At this point I could probably indulge in a rampant monologue about the person that be my procreator . .but I won't.
As a person, myself, I have a rather urgent sense of the law of privacy and no particular urge to desanctify it, even if the object of my blasphemy is ... equally ... deserving.
I don't hold a grudge.
I'm not waiting for him to die.
On the other hand , I'd need a hell of a good reason to purposely stop him from dying if it was in my range of possibilities.
He put my mother through hell for no other reason then being a good mother.
She herself is a person I can not blame for anything , I 'will' not blame for anything.
Not for random fits, loss of cool (however severely) and unfairness.
When I look at her , I see she is sorry and she didn't mean to, but a plea to forgive her because she tried her best.
When I look at him I see he is sorry for not trying at all. And an apology for not trying in the future.

I know I promised not to.
But this I had to share.

When he called these where his exact word " I called D(my sister) today too and asked her to set up a meeting between all of us (him, me and her) , so .. when you don't hear from me, it's because D didn't do it" .
Side note: my sister is laying sick in bed with 40 degrees of fever...... .
If it's an attempt at humor , it's ill picked at best.
If it's an attempt at sarcasm, it's overkill at best.


And on top of all all that.
Having that kind of shit thrown in your way,
right after you are told " we can not afford to have you sick for a week" , even if the matter is quite severe ... is tiring .. it's exhausting..

And I even spared you all the bureaucratic nonsence with bookkeepers and banks.

Am I killing myself ?
If I am i'm a classic sado-massochist.
If I'm not then .. I don't know what !
I need a fucking holiday , I need to .. do a fuck all for a week or two .. no , just a week maybe ..
can't go missing two weeks on end.
YA'll NEED TA LEARN TO JUST COPE !
Just ..
just cope ..
really ..
cope.
It's not that fucking hard.