Let me ...

...
get one thing straight...

I am one fucking lucky person.



I don't know why ...
I definatly don't deserve it ..
Even tho I'm fully convinced that I do ..
Just because I can.

And well.
Fuck you.
Fuck all of you.
I too can come up with a dozen and one reasons to be discontented about my life.
My standards of living.
My income.
My wealth.
My education.
My past regrets.
My moral beliefs.
My lack of religion or belief system.
My work hours.
My past.
My lingering resentments.
My prospects.
My reputation.
Sleep.
Peace of mind.



One golden rule in this matter is.
If you are looking for trouble ,you will find them.
If you are looking for reasons to be unhappy... you will find them.

OK fuck that.

I do know why i'm a lucky person.
Because I fucking want to be.
I simply cannot admit defeat, for hte sole and simple reason .. that i don't want to.
Why ?
I just don't see the reason why... .
Yes.
I can be hostile , abbrasive, mouthy, arrogant , cynical, snobbish , self centered, selfish, and all the etceteras one might think off.
The way I see it ...
NOBODY will give you anything for free.
NOTHING in your life you get for free.
Everything you posess, you should be proud to posess it , because you have gotten it by your own means, in your own way on your own terms.
AND I CAN AND WILL BE FUCKING PROUD ON THAT!!
If I am not.
Nobody will be for me.
It's the first and most primal rule.
If I think nothing of myself, others will think nothing of me.
If I think something of myself, others will think something of me.
If you want to change the world, start with yourself.
Everything starts with yourself.
I am the god and creator of my universe wich is Me.
You are maybe not the only influence in the coarse of your life.
But you are the only one that can think it into having purpose.
You are the only one able to give it purpose.
And if for some odd reason you are not contented with that purspose.
You are the only one able to alter it.
The brighter you cast a light on your way .. the biger will the shadow in front of your feet.
The biggest trees always catch the most of wind.
As strong shoulders will bear most of the weight.

If you think of yourself to be contented with what life has given you ...
consider all the things you could have .. or are still able to .. take.
Who will stop you ?
Who will even think it worth their while to be stopping you.
Be clever in what you want.
And be clever in how you wish to obtain it.
What more is there to say .. ?
What more is there to consider .. ?
to think of yourself as not deserving this or that ... whatever it is ....
...
I only have one thing to say to that...
Martyrdom is the only way to become famous .. with no skill at all ...
...


Oh sure ,
I've heard it ..
but you are doing what you want.
Yes I am.
But consider what it has cost me.
A finished and completed education.
A house.
Dogs.
My company.
My ideology and moral system of belief.
Money.
Time off.
Time for myself .. contemplation, meditation, introspection ... .
My life dream being within my grasp and then ... evaporating before my eyes .. my own restaurant .. my own creation .. my dream ... .

If I had to tell you parts of my life..
you wouldn't even believe me.
Episodes of being in real danger.
Of your life, your integrity, reputation . prospects .. being destroyed .. .
Moments where you find yourself to be in the most bonechilling doubt , weither to leave everything behind and persue the vague idea of adventure , even glory however unnotably by popular decision... what is a hero ...
I'm not lying.
Or trying to be vague at this point.
This is the most honest I have ever been .. virtually, online.
Having had the opportunity to go to Iraq ... in effect . to do nothing more then to escort a doctor from location A to location B.
And to respectfully decline.
Having made an estiment of the cost.
Having sheltered a political refugee from Kosovo who was wrongly accused of terrorism.
Having a tap on my phone and my family's for that reason.
For coming home bruised ,beaten and bleeding from protest rallies.
For threathening neo nazi's with boxcutters and psychological battles... just to make them know how it feels and to show they can be beaten at their own game .. and better.
For then later, actually joining the forces of the class betrayers you have oh so much despised, and to be despised in your own term for making that decision .. after as well .. having respectfully delcined on the other side as to not play the game of the twocoloured pawn.
For all the things I am not proud of.
But am not afraid to admit.

Yes.
I have strong opinions about the world and environment I'm living in.
But.
I have my pride.
And therefor proudly state, never to have been busted or caught , brought to trial, punishment, public humiliation , sold out , sacrificed or accepted martyrdom..
not because of position, heritage or family alliances.
But out of sheer luck.
That , and only that.
Luck.

...

Luck.
Wich is or can be .. an acquired taste.
Or perhaps, luck is just a word to describe that feeling of victory one can have, when having accomplished something one so dearly wanted .. perhaps at great expense .. but to feel as if they have gained more then they have lost.
And such a thing .. may indeed be an acquired taste.
Howeve it can be terribly depressing .. to t hink of it that way .
So one can choose .. not to think of it that way.

At the end of the line ...
what would I want to say to myself ...
" It has been so hard and I am glad it is over "
or
" HA ! If i knew it would have been over taht quickly .. i'd have taken on more of that ! "


Or perhaps I can maybe state ... aaaah tautology ... thanks be my Roman tutor in the art of rethorics ..
That I am one stubborn little piece of shit .
And proud of it !

And that for one very simple reason.
So simple it is almost profound.
I ... have what I want.
Because I want it and there fore would not have wanted it any other way.
That must mean ,
that I am free.
To have what I want and to want what I have.
Because anything less then that would be defeatist.